waking up

well I woke up and felt the feeling of sinking. it was not the cheerful optimistic feeling that I normally have felt in the past couple of weeks. and I fear that the downward spiral I was stuck in, in grade 10 may be upon me. I think i'm going to start yoga with Althea. she has just changed so much in a positive way! she's so happy and together and is so positive. nothing phases that girl. I want to be happy all the time, because that is the best feeling in the world. being completely and utterly content with everything in your life. it's all a state of mind. i'll be able to to do it, but it is just going to be harder for me. i'll need the extra push and the help of my 5 wonderful girl loves. I have something else that I don't particularly want to do today, and don't think that I'm actually going to get it done. I may end up doing it the day we're alone together. I'm sure that will be better, although he's going to be dreadfully upset with me and dissapointed. i'm not being fair to myself, and I have to begin putting my feelings before others. that may be another reason i'm dropping into this state again, because that's all i've ever done. I love to please. when I have succeeded at making someone else happy it's as though i've given myself permission to be happy as well. isn't that sad? well, I guess it's just who I am and one of these days, I am just going to have to accept myself. i'll get there eventually.

on another note, I have to make prerana an epic card. hopefully tonight goes smoothly. oh shit I forgot he would be there. crap bag. please don't make my night bad.